Stop Sending Emails When There’s Conflict, It’s Making Things Worse
Let’s get something clear:
If there’s even a hint of conflict, a disagreement, a tension, a hard truth that needs to be addressed, never send it in writing.
Don’t send the email.
Don’t fire off the Slack message.
Don’t drop a “just being honest” text and walk away.
Because here’s the truth most people don’t want to admit:
The written word is the most dangerous weapon in workplace communication.
Not because it’s inherently wrong, but because it’s stripped of tone, emotion, and intent.
And that vacuum? It gets filled with one thing: assumption.
Intent vs. Impact: Where Leaders Blow It
You meant to clarify something.
You meant to set a boundary.
You meant to get alignment.
But what did they hear?
- “You don’t respect me.”
- “You’re stepping on my toes.”
- “You’re calling me out.”
That’s the gap between intent and impact.
And in writing, that gap is massive.
Here’s why:
When we read something, especially something corrective or critical, we assign it the tone we fear most.
And once that happens, even the most innocent email can feel like an attack.
This is neuroscience and psychology, not opinion.
When humans sense uncertainty in tone, the brain looks for threat.
So, unless you’re already sitting on a mountain of trust with that person, your message will get filtered through insecurity, past wounds, or flat-out paranoia.
That’s how small issues turn into big conflicts.
That’s how teams’ fracture.
That’s how culture erodes, one misunderstood sentence at a time.
The Communication Hierarchy (And Why You’re Using It Backwards)
Here’s how communication should work, from highest to lowest fidelity:
- Face-to-face (in person)
- Video (Zoom, Teams)
- Phone call
- Voice notes or recorded message
- Email/text/Slack/chat
- Silence or worse, Assuming
Now ask yourself:
When was the last time you had a disagreement and chose to send an email instead of picking up the phone?
It’s faster, right?
Easier. Cleaner. Controlled.
But here’s the thing: Ease is not the goal. Clarity is. Connection is. Trust is.
And the further down that list you go, the more trust you already need to have in place for it to work.
The Damage of the Digital Nastygram
There’s another dark side to written conflict: some people weaponize it.
They send that snarky email and CC five others.
They drop that Slack message knowing full well how it will sting.
They type out a cold, cutting message, hit send, and sleep better thinking they “handled it.”
Let’s be real: that’s not leadership. That’s emotional immaturity hiding behind a keyboard.
If you’re sending digital nastygrams because you’re too afraid to have the conversation in person, you’re not resolving anything, you’re escalating everything.
So, What Should You Do Instead?
If there’s even a whiff of tension, if the message could possibly be misread, here’s what you do:
- Step away from the keyboard.
Get up. Put the phone down. Don’t hit send. - Make the call. Or better yet, schedule the meeting.
“Hey, can we talk about something that feels off? I’d rather do this face-to-face.” - Lead with your intent.
Start with:
“I want to make sure this lands the way I mean it…”
Or:
“I care about our relationship, so I didn’t want to send this in writing.” - Create space for their impact.
“How did that come across?”
“What did you take away from that exchange?”
This is what mature, intentional leadership looks like.
Not convenience. Courage.
But What If They Sent the Email First?
Great question.
You don’t respond in kind. You respond in principle.
Pick up the phone. Walk into their office. Hop on Zoom.
Say:
“I read your email, and rather than reply in writing, I thought it would be better if we talked through it directly.”
That one move?
It lowers the heat.
It raises the respect.
And it creates a bridge, not a battleground.
The Bottom Line
The next time you’re tempted to send an email with a little edge to it, don’t.
When you write it down, you lose control of how it’s read.
And when trust is already fragile, that’s a risk you can’t afford.
So here’s your new rule:
If it’s emotionally charged, pick up the phone. If it’s complex, go face to face. If it could be misread, it will be.
Stop hiding behind “convenient communication.”
Start modeling courageous communication.
Because written words can inform.
But only real conversations can transform.
And that’s what leadership demands.
