The Silent Cost of Toughness:
5 Warning Signs You’re Leading from Fear
We celebrate grit in leadership, pushing through obstacles, staying focused, being unshakable.
But here’s the problem:
- Grit without rest becomes grind; and
- Grind left unchecked turns into grief.
Grief over broken relationships. Grief over high turnover. Grief over the kind of team you could have built, if you had just led a little differently.
Too many leaders think toughness is about carrying the load alone. Making the hard calls. Staying silent when things feel heavy. They’ve been taught that showing weakness is dangerous. That asking for help is a sign of failure. That if they don’t hold it all together, the whole thing falls apart.
And that kind of thinking? It creates fear-based leadership.
Fear-based leadership doesn’t always look obvious. It shows up in subtle, quiet ways. Ways that often feel normal, until the results start falling apart.
Here are five warning signs that you might be leading from fear instead of strength. If these hit home, don’t panic. You’re not alone. But it’s time to shift.
- You’re Always the First to Speak in Meetings: It might feel like leadership to open every meeting with your thoughts.
But if you’re always setting the tone, you’re also setting the direction—and often shutting down discussion before it starts.
When the leader speaks first, others tend to follow. They nod, agree, or stay silent. Not because they always agree, but because they don’t want to risk being wrong, or worse, being in conflict with you.
Over time, you lose innovation. Creativity shrinks. And meetings turn into performances instead of conversations.
What to do instead: Ask a question, then pause. Let the silence do the heavy lifting. Let others go first, even if it takes a minute. - Your Team Rarely Pushes Back or Offers Dissent: If everyone always agrees with you, you’ve got a problem.
Healthy teams disagree. They debate. They challenge ideas. If no one’s pushing back, it’s not because your ideas are flawless. It’s because your team doesn’t feel safe doing it.
And when people don’t feel safe, they protect themselves. They hold back. They stop sharing.
What to do instead: In your next meeting, say: “If you see something I’m missing, I need to hear it. We’ll all be better for it.”
And then reward the person who speaks up. - You Haven’t Heard Someone Admit a Mistake in Weeks: Mistakes happen all the time. That’s part of growth. But if nobody’s owning up to them, either you’ve built a perfect team, or a fearful one.
When people hide mistakes, it’s usually because the culture punishes failure.
And when you punish failure, people play it safe.
They stop experimenting. They stop learning.
And you lose your competitive edge.
What to do instead: Share your own mistake first. Say something like, “I dropped the ball on this last week. Here’s how I’m fixing it.”
Modeling vulnerability gives others permission to do the same. - You Feel Like You’re Carrying Everything Yourself: Do you ever feel like if you don’t push it, it won’t happen? That you’re the only one truly “all in”? That your team is coasting while you carry the pressure?
That feeling isn’t a reflection of their work ethic; it’s a reflection of your leadership style.
When leaders don’t trust others to carry the weight, they start doing it all themselves. At first, it looks like high performance. Eventually, it turns into resentment.
And worst of all? It trains the team to disengage, because they know you’ll just take it over anyway.
What to do instead: Start asking, not assigning. Say, “Who wants to take the lead on this?”
Let others step up—and back them when they do.
- The Best People Are Leaving, or Quietly Disengaging: This one hurts the most. But it’s also the loudest wake-up call.
High performers don’t stick around in low-trust cultures. They either burn out or move on. And before they leave physically, they leave emotionally. They stop offering ideas. They stop giving extra effort. They stop caring.
If you’re seeing good people, check out, ask yourself:
What’s it like to work under me when things go wrong?
That answer will tell you more than any exit interview ever could.
What to do instead: Don’t wait until someone gives notice to start listening. Create regular check-ins. And start each one with: “What’s something we need to be talking about that we’re not?”
Time for a Reset? Start Here.
If some of those signs hit home, don’t beat yourself up. This isn’t about blame, it’s about awareness. And with awareness comes the opportunity to lead better.
Start here:
- Use Vulnerability Intentionally
Say out loud: “Here’s what I’m struggling with right now…”
You don’t need to spill everything. But showing a crack in the armor gives people permission to take off theirs.
- Replace Control with Curiosity
Instead of telling, start asking.
Not just what’s going wrong, but why.
And then what do you need from me to fix it?
- Set a 30-Day Intention
Pick one thing. Just one.
Maybe it’s:
- Letting others speak first in meetings
- Sharing one failure story per week
- Asking “What are we missing?” before making decisions
Keep it simple. Keep it visible. And commit to it fully, for 30 days.
Final Thought: Fear Can’t Be Your Leadership Strategy
You can’t build trust with fear. You can’t build loyalty with silence. And you can’t build a sustainable team by carrying everything alone.
The good news? You don’t have to.
Strong leaders aren’t the ones who shout the loudest. They’re the ones who listen the longest. Who connects before they correct. And who knows that vulnerability isn’t the enemy of performance, it’s the doorway to it.
You’re not leading a platoon. You’re leading people.
Lead like it.
