Unlocking Conversations with TED: How to Get to the “Why” Without Asking “Why”
The Problem with “Why” Questions in Leadership
Have you ever asked someone “Why did you do that?” only to see them immediately bristle or go on the defensive? The word “why” can feel accusatory, even when you don’t mean it that way. It can unintentionally make people feel as if they’re being judged or interrogated, putting them in a position to justify themselves rather than explore possibilities.
As leaders, we know that understanding the motivations and reasoning behind decisions is crucial. But how can we get to the “why” without triggering defensiveness? The answer lies in reframing how we ask questions. This is where the TED framework—Tell, Explain, or Describe—becomes a game-changer.
What Is the TED Framework?
The TED approach provides an easy-to-remember structure for crafting open-ended questions that invite dialogue and understanding. Instead of asking “why,” TED encourages you to:
- Tell me more about this.
- Explain what you mean.
- Describe how this works.
These prompts open the door for deeper, richer conversations without putting the other person on the spot. They allow you to gather valuable insights while signaling curiosity and respect.
Why TED Works: Shifting from Judgment to Curiosity
At its core, the TED framework is about shifting the tone of your questions. While “why” can feel like an accusation, TED questions convey genuine interest. This small shift has a big impact:
- It Reduces Defensiveness: TED questions feel collaborative, not confrontational. They show that you’re seeking to understand rather than judge.
- It Encourages Reflection: TED questions prompt people to think more deeply about their actions, motivations, or ideas, leading to thoughtful responses.
- It Builds Trust: By asking questions in a way that feels safe, you foster an environment where people are more willing to share openly.
TED Questions in Action
Let’s explore some real-world scenarios where the TED framework can transform conversations:
- Coaching an Employee
An employee misses a deadline, and you want to understand what happened without making them feel attacked.
- Instead of: “Why didn’t you finish on time?”
- Try: “Can you describe what challenges came up while working on this?”
This approach shifts the focus from blame to problem-solving, giving the employee space to explain and reflect.
- Encouraging Innovation
You want your team to brainstorm new ideas for improving a process.
- Instead of: “Why do you think this isn’t working?”
- Try: “Can you tell me more about your perspective on this process?”
By inviting the team to share their insights, you create a space for collaboration and fresh ideas.
- Resolving Conflict
Two team members are clashing, and you need to understand both sides without escalating tensions.
- Instead of: “Why are you arguing about this?”
- Try: “Can you explain what’s most important to you in this situation?”
This question helps uncover underlying priorities and emotions, paving the way for resolution.
How TED Questions Get to the “Why”
The beauty of TED is that it naturally gets to the “why” without explicitly asking it. For example:
- Tell: “Tell me about what led you to this decision.” (Explores motivations and reasoning.)
- Explain: “Explain how you approached this challenge.” (Uncovers thought processes.)
- Describe: “Describe what success would look like to you.” (Reveals goals and priorities.)
Each of these prompts encourages the other person to share their perspective in a way that feels safe and engaging.
Other Methods to Complement TED
While TED is an excellent starting point, it’s important to recognize that other question types—like who, what, where, and how—are also valuable tools. Here’s how they complement the TED framework:
- What: “What do you think is the biggest obstacle we face?”
- How: “How could we approach this differently?”
- Who: “Who do you think should be involved in this decision?”
These question starters add variety and depth to your conversations, but TED remains a powerful anchor because it simplifies and streamlines the questioning process.
When to Use TED Questions
The TED framework works in almost any leadership scenario. Here are a few specific contexts where it shines:
- Problem-Solving: Use TED questions to uncover root causes and identify solutions collaboratively.
- Example: “Can you describe how this issue came up?”
- Performance Reviews: Encourage employees to reflect on their achievements and areas for growth.
- Example: “Can you explain what you feel most proud of this quarter?”
- Team Building: Foster open dialogue and build trust by asking thoughtful questions in group settings.
- Example: “Can you tell me about a time when you felt supported by the team?”
Practical Tips for Using TED Questions Effectively
To get the most out of the TED framework, keep these tips in mind:
- Be Genuine: Approach every question with a sincere desire to understand. People can sense when questions are disingenuous or leading.
- Practice Active Listening: Give your full attention to the response. Reflect back what you hear to ensure understanding.
- Pause and Wait: After asking a TED question, allow time for the other person to think. Silence can be a powerful tool for encouraging deeper reflection.
- Stay Neutral: Avoid adding your own opinions to the question, which can bias the response. For example, say: “Can you describe your approach?” instead of “Don’t you think your approach could have been better?”
Why TED Builds Better Leaders
The TED framework isn’t just a tool for better conversations—it’s a mindset shift that can transform your leadership. By replacing judgment with curiosity and defensiveness with dialogue, you create an environment where people feel heard, valued, and empowered to contribute.
This approach doesn’t just make your team more effective—it strengthens relationships and builds a culture of trust. Over time, you’ll notice that people are more willing to share ideas, take initiative, and work collaboratively toward shared goals.
Final Thoughts: Lead with TED
The way you ask questions matters. The TED framework—Tell, Explain, or Describe—provides a simple yet powerful way to guide conversations, get to the heart of the “why,” and foster deeper connections with your team.
Next time you’re tempted to ask “Why did you do that?” pause and reframe the question. Ask someone to tell you more, explain their thinking, or describe their approach. You’ll be amazed at the insights and engagement that follow.
Leadership isn’t about having all the answers—it’s about asking the right questions. And with TED, you’ll always have a tool to spark meaningful dialogue and unlock the full potential of your team.
